Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.”
Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree. But as he was sleeping, an angel touched him and told him, “Get up and eat!” He looked around and there beside his head was some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water! So he ate and drank and lay down again.
Then the angel of the LORD came again and touched him and said, “Get up and eat some more, or the journey ahead will be too much for you.”
So he got up and ate and drank, and the food gave him enough strength to travel forty days and forty nights to Mount Sinai, the mountain of God.
— 1 Kings 19: 4 - 8
There was a deep sense of disdain I had for myself that was simmering deep within long enough for me to stop trying, long enough for me to pray to never wake… long enough for me to give myself a deadline…
I had never felt such despair, a feeling even harder for me to understand while surrounded by people who loved and cared for me. I was lying in bed one evening, spaced-out at the ceiling where I had been all day, and the day before, and the day before, and the day before… piecing together dark ideas of where I would go, how I would do it, who I would say my goodbyes to and what I would tell them.
I desperately hoped for anyone at all to notice I had none. I prayed for anyone to read my mind. Anyone at all… because why is He ignoring me? Why are You ignoring me? Don’t You care at all? Have You ever? Who am I talking to? Who was I ever talking to?
My spiral was interrupted by a knock on my bedroom door—it was my mom.
THE PAINTING
Somewhere, a Young Man named Elijah hangs a Dove by a thread, surrounded by a Wolf and four Fawns. Elijah gazes emptily into the distance, unphased by the claws of the Wolf digging into his neck. Despite the act of violence against Elijah, one of the Fawns caresses the Wolf, who sobs bitterly in despair. Two Fawns take notice of Elijah’s plight—one, fighting tears, reaches out to hold him, and the other kisses him. The fourth Fawn gasps in horror upon seeing the Dove—at the hands of Elijah himself—strung by the neck, choking out his final breaths and his dying prayer.
Elijah is the Wolf and Elijah is the Dove. He is suffering from a deep, self-inflicted pain—a pain he desperately prays to escape from. The Fawns, heaven-sent angels, rush to comfort Elijah’s body and mind, calm his fears, and restore his faith.